Sunday, January 13, 2013
I woke up by myself. Dave changed the bedding last night and tucked me in but when it came time for him to go to bed, he decided not to wake me and sleep in the guest bedroom. It was very sweet of him. I slept in until 9. I felt fine this morning. I thought I would go to church but then I got scared. I thought I might lose my composure while surrounded by so much faith and prayer to the Lord. Everything is reminding me of her. The scented candle in my living room seems like something she would really like, the bath I took yesterday - she loved taking baths, even the wine colored jellybean in my bag I got from CVS yesterday - she loved that color. I decided to avoid facebook this morning - it is reliving it all over again. I can't relive it because it completely stops me in my tracks and I cannot do anything but cry. When left alone I cry or stare and just think of our memories together. I've tried to hide my phone today, even texts and phone calls are hard to accept as I am trying so hard to forget the nightmare so that I can breathe for just one second of today. I watched The Iron Lady this morning. It was a good movie, I can see why it won awards. But even Meryll Streep's eyes and her small mouth remind me of my Lucille. I imagine this is how things will be for awhile. I don't remember things being like this when my mom passed. Maybe because I was the one doing the planning and right now I am just sitting and waiting to hear the plans. Maybe it was because I had time to prepare for her death. I don't know. All I know is that today is easier than yesterday.